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| Ah time to just type whats on my mind i love u xanga. I work in like 5 hours but id like to just type for a bit and get some stuff off my mind i guess. Im fine but not fine all at the same time. This symbol.....its been in my mind forever now. just as simple as a broken heart, with dark purple flames... why? I dont even like the color purple... There is some1 i see, though ive never seen this person ever. dressed in black with the symbol on his right hand. Is this me in the mirror? Is this who i am suppose to be?....idk you tell me? every time i think about it, its weird. I feel stronger, feel more....idk its too weird and id rather not drift while tying this hehe. Ive been somewhat happy for the past month or so just hanging out with friends this and that, but again like any other time, it just kinda creeps up and idk its all so....unique. There is so much more id love to type about all this but i really should get to bed and my bro keeps coming in and bothering the hell out of me so i guess ill call it a day. | | |
| I have to face the facts that im changing. im never going to be the same as i once was. I struggle to try to keep whats left. What will happen when its all gone? Who will i be? what will i do? my minds a mess with an endless battle going on. hard to explain. I wanted to make that special some1 (whom it who be? idk) happy, i would do anything for her; but now, now i dont even want to be with anyone. I want to be alone. Why? There is no point to be with some1 if u dont have feeling for them. My heart has been shattered to the point were it may not be fixed. It dont matter though, ive learned to deal with it. Move on, dont bitch about it, doesnt do anything. Im not asking to be felt sorry for. Dont treat me like im a kid and that i need help. Im fine on my own. If you dont like who i am, what i am, what i may become, then you dont have to talk to me. You can only fight for so long before u just give in.......meh i think it might be for the better, i wont be so hyper active all the time. hmmmm it might not be a bad thing at all give and take a few things here and there. bah im off to just sit and ponder about all this i guess. | | |
| I dont understand. I was just fine then i saw a couple somewere i cant remember were. It just reminded me of how hard i tried and how hard i fought to find that some1 that feeling. I still want to be with some1, to feel that warmth; but at the same time, I want everyone to just die in a fucking fire. I pretend not to care but something inside me does. It just sucks knowing even if i do find some1 they just might leave me for no reason like the others. Whatever. | | |
| I want it. I no longer wish to fight against it. I dont feel pity, sadness, hell i dont feel much at all. Its nice. Though many people think im a complete jackass, fuck them. I have better things to do then bother with them. This may be wrong in your eyes, but in mine its what i want. People have just kept pushing me so now i can push back. I can deal with my own problems. I have no weakness. I feel so strong. Would i go back? not really, love is for the weak. | | |
| "Your an ass" "What the hell is your problem?" "What happened to you?" Some of the many quotes ive been given in the past few weeks. I think i finally am changing from this heart break. My question now is it finally broken beyond repair? Will I ever feel for someone? Well I still have some feelings for some1 but thats something else. These dark thoughts keep collecting, i feel it just taking over ever so slowly. Some days i wish it would just hurry up and others i feel like i need to fight against it. The urge to cut is..well that too is something else on its own. Lately ive just been observing others, what the do, so on and so on. I'm trying to see if there is anything worth while, anything that is....idk its hard to explain but ive seen very little if not at all of what it is. So many people are just so fake its not funny. Anyway, for those who might think im going to do something "stupid", meh your out of your mind. Its a life, There is no reason to end it. Besides you cant do anything about anything while your dead right? ya. Now that i got that out of the way..... When I think back on o say a few years ago, i really did used to be a nice guy. Maybe to nice. (if there is such a thing?) It took 2 years or maybe 3 to take the rest of me that was left, that was strong and crush it. Long story but this post is already long as it is. To think i have somethig less is just odd, but i know i do. There is just so much i wana say, but i dont know how to say it. How to begin to describe the pain i wake to everyday, the pain that seems that will never go away. Some crazy voice some crazy this some crazy that. So much but i just keep it all to myself. Well i guess i better stop typing before i go into a full out typing spree so ya. | | |
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